slip inside the eye of your mind

I just had one of those moments where you buy the whole damn album just for one song. Considering I've wanted this song for months is a good excuse though. Music has kind of turned into mini therapy for me lately. I guess it always has been but over the years I haven't spent much time soaking it up while doing nothing else. I just emerged from a few hours of laying in the dark listening to a random iPod I somehow inherited. It was blissful.

There's a lot of change happening. A lot of completion of the past, which always tugs at the heart strings. I'm slowly learning how important it is to release that which no longer supports where I'm going. The strange thing is, on a personal level, I think much of this unfolding is a return to my roots more than it is anything new. For example, my sister and I are taking volleyball lessons for the next few weeks. Its mostly so she can try out for a team but since it was always one of the few sports I loved, I'm along for the ride. We started last night and it was a lot of fun. My forearm is a bit scary now but hey, I suppose a little pain might accompany anything worth doing. I'm also thinking of learning to play the piano again. Its now or never since I happen to have a piano upstairs, and a grandma who has mastered it. I've always known that being able to really play freely would be amazingly fulfilling for me. And as far as photography goes, I couldn't be less inspired. But I think the answer to that might be good old film. We'll see. . .

Here's a few songs I'm obsessed with the past week. I don't know what it is about them, but I can't get enough.

(he doesn't start the song until 2:25 on the clock)

(this video is no fun but its the best recording!)

(and for old time's sake. . .)

"There is no greater exploration than the one that is right inside you." -Suzanne Wagner

On Friday afternoon I indulged my faith and curiosity by going to see Suzanne Wagner. To say it shifted my consciousness is an understatement. Words can't really do it justice, but I'll give it a shot.

In the past, I've tended to beat myself up for where I've been, where I am, and where I'm not, as if these 25 years is all there will ever be. But now I can clearly see how unquantifiable it all is. There's so much that makes up a life.
And in this case, its a beautiful one.
My cynicism even seems to have melted away because when I close my eyes, my experience is that of the joy and love to come.
And its exquisitely thick.
There is bliss in all forms: MY soulmate (yes, I used that word), unbounded freedom and self-expression, peace and joy for my family, a career that inspires me, travel travel travel, adventure, art, culture.
Did I mention love? L-O-V-E! Marriage, kids, the whole package. I never thought I'd be saying this. Let alone putting it out there for other people to read (which is like, three people, but still. . .hi guys!).

The really great part, is that now I see how my whole life I've tried to fit into the little box certain people tried to keep me in. . .tried so hard to conform and "be good." So my experience of myself up until this point has been colored by a view that was never mind to begin with.
Today, its limitless and THAT feels amazing.
I'm gonna rock my world : )

its the unraveling

For you, love.

It can't be midnight right now
in this time warped world
and these rain soaked streets
whose puddles mirror my memories back at me
with each turn of the wheel
and shift of the clutch.

the first time you took my hand
a thousand things aligned at once.
rain soaked streets,
clear, crisp air,
winter parting in all its glory.
then spring opened its small petals
as if it had been waiting for us to bloom.

If i would have known
like i do now,
I would have been more gentle with the fleeting past.

I think I'll learn to play the piano
or build castles in the sand.
cause there's so much we didn't do, love.
but you showed me winter
and and my loving
like no one ever could.

but, this city on pause is my playground
and self-expression seeps from every note i hear.
come on and break the door down,
I'm ready
I'm ready

Dear January,

I'm finally ready to blog again. Mostly because I have some math homework to do and this is a good excuse to procrastinate.

No but really, 2009 is going to be a big year. I only made one resolution this year:

*{practice being intentional}*

This includes a sweet little Jill Bliss (one of my most favorite artists ever) journal and daily musing on what I'm grateful for, what I accomplished and of course, what my intention is. I think so far its working. I've been crazy about using my planner and staying in a love/hate cycle of productivity.

I'm also wanting to embark on my own 365 photo project. It sounds so daunting and yet, being able to look back over an entire year of myself could be quite insightful. More information about the project here and here! I started yesterday sort of. . .

What else?

I saw Paul Oakenfold for the first time the other night, which aside from being the most fun I've possibly ever had, it was also really eye opening. It turns out, I've had only a fraction of the fun a human is alloted in their first 30 years on the planet. So another intention for 2009 is: dance until I can't walk, as often as possible. And if any of you are in the mood for a really great mix, courtesy of a really great artist and friend of mine, click HERE!

whales and a kazoo

Umm, hello. Whale wallpaper?! I wish I could replace my current pink puff ball wallpaper with this from Walnut Wallpaper. . .

My friend recently gave me a bunch of his dad's old mix tapes, which included an old favorite, Clapton Unplugged. Maybe its because I love San Francisco so darn much, or maybe its just cause listing to a cassette tape is an entirely different experience, but this song has brought me much joy and car dancing the past few days. Enjoy : )

they painted up your secrets

Here I sit, in my Christmas thermal, my space in disarray and I have no idea how to get organized all over again. I do know I'm up to the challenge though. I just wish I could find my surge protector. . .man, if they made those for life we'd all be in good shape.

But seriously, I'm sorting out my whole life all over again and I feel like I'm in the same place I was exactly a year ago. It seems like 2008 didn't even happen. It must have been a dream. The only remarkable difference was that last January I went to SF and this January I'll be in Long Beach. Oh California. . .

{don't think twice, its alright}

All week I've had to keep reminding myself to just keep breathing. . .everything will work out, because it always does. So I really like this little heart beat tumbler by urban soule.
*So sweet*

Today I'm grateful for:

All Wheel Drive
My "little" brother who is much more a man than many men will ever be
Our humanity, even though its ever so painful at times
My Friends
Bob Dylan

*open your hands if you want to be held*

Dear blog world, do you ever feel like everything you've ever hoped for is right in front of you and you're too chicken to do anything about it? Hmm. . .me too.

The past few weeks have been interesting. From saying goodbye to my sister temporarily, to Thanksgiving (which tends to be a very emotional reminder of how much I love my family), to becoming an aunt for the first time, its been quiet a roller coaster. I haven't really taken the time to process everything since finals immediately took over my life. Instead I've sort of escaped it all through my imagination and I've learned what a powerful gift that is. Miraculous openings have occurred and I've felt things I didn't think were possible. Now its time I just write.

There are hidden places of myself that are ready to come back. I think for a few years it was necessary for them to close, as a survival mechanism, but I'm starting to find a balance again. I I'm also starting to get it through my head that some practices are necessary to cultivate any opening. I now know who I need to be in order to be fully self-expressed so its just a matter of employing those things. Yoga, poetry, music and the people I love inspire me the most, so sharing from those places are key.

There is a poem by the great Jelaluddin Rumi that a friend recently shared to such a beautiful extent that it really got inside my head. Here are my favorite excerpts:

A Community of the Spirit

There is a community of the spirit.
Join it, and feel the delight
of walking in the noisy street
and being the noise.

Drink all your passion,
and be a disgrace.

Close both eyes
to see with the other eye.

Open your hands,
if you want to be held.

Sit down in the circle. . .

. . .Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.
Live in silence.

Flow down and down in always

widening rings of being

You can read the whole poem here.

There are a lot of people I want to express appreciation to, so several of the next few posts might be about them individually. Hopefully they don't mind : ) Until then, a few songs that move me to tears. . .

River
by Joni Mitchell

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on

But it don't snow here
It stays pretty green
I'm going to make a lot of money
Then I'm going to quit this crazy scene
Oh I wish I had a river I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
I wish I had a river I could skate away on
I made my baby cry

He tried hard to help me
You know, he put me at ease
And he loved me so naughty
Made me weak in the knees
Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on

I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad
Now I've gone and lost the best baby
That I ever had
I wish I had a river I could skate away on

Oh, I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I made my baby say goodbye

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
I wish I had a river I could skate away on

updates

Well, I haven't posted in uh, forever. I'm sorry blog world. Life has just been really busy and I haven't had the internet at home for a bit. I actually have a big post planned, but until then, here are a few things I've been loving in the e-universe.

This planner from UPPERCASE. I'm pretty sure I'd use it religiously.

These are a dream come true. . .reusable food bags from Plum Creek Mercantile
This storage set-up from Baileys. Yes, I'm in *lust*

My new favorite website/shop, Hygge & West. There are too many products to post them all, so just visit their website : )

And last but not least, my website is fully up and running. I'm just working on the pricing page and then we're off and running. Check it out at www.angelarumel.com.