*my love, like snow falls*

We'll start with songs this time, because well, this is a random post and these songs so perfectly encompass my mood right now. . .

Oh CocoRosie, I adore you.

I'd like to make a film someday, and I think all the music would have to be
Explosions In The Sky. . .

(Sigh)

Alright. So 2009 has been a roller coaster so far. Lots of ups and lots of downs. I never know what each day will bring, and more often than not, when one day is very drab the next is exciting and inspiring. Those inspiring days are usually a result of me shedding some layers of myself and feeling the weight lift. Its this teetering balance of peeling back and hanging on, contracting and expanding. I think I'm growing out of a lot too. Old love, old debt, old stories, old routines and patterns. They all feel like what we used to call "paint leave-ins" in my AP Art class. . .which were the accumulation of the built up oil paint we would scrape off our palettes and onto a poster board we had hanging on the wall. The colors would all blend together in a rainbow formation, creating a collective collaboration of everyone's leftovers. This was the only one I kept. . .

"A happy thought that,
for not being born
is the only tragedy
that we can imagine
but need never fear."

-Alden Nowlan

I guess that's kind of abstract, but hey, I said this would be random. So anyway. . .I guess for now I'll just roll with it. There's much to be excited about, even just in the next week!

What else? Oh, if you read this blog in a Reader then you probably haven't seen the new header! Its thanks to the AMAZING Rhonna Farrer and pretty exciting if I may say so. I bought a commercial pack of some of her stuff and updated my website too, although I'm still not sure if it communicates the right thing. There's some problems with it loading too slowly too. I think that might be a President's day off sort of project.

Its time for bed.
Today I'm grateful for my job, good music, good wine, poetry, memories, and the distinctions that guide my life.

*XOXO*

studio, i heart you

The beauty of making a responsible choice is that you get to be cautious first, and then get ridiculously excited later instead of vice versa.

I'm on my way to fill out the application for the cutest little studio ever. And I can hardly stand to have to wait a month to live there. But until then, I'm going to feel free to participate in self indulgent dreaming. . .

{I definitely need polka dot sheets}

{and a cuckoo clock}

{either one will do}

Now, the question is of wall colors! Purple? Grey? A blue bathroom?

Okay I'm done for now.

hello lover

I just finished watching Vicky Cristina Barcelona and all I can is. . .

1) Now I want to add Spain to the fall itinerary
2) Scarlett Johansson + Penelope Cruz is way too much beauty for one movie
3) I'm really bummed I already finished the Rosenblum
4) Thanks to Javier Bardem, I now have a face for the dream man that's been living inside my head
5) I'm such a nerd

ModCloth

I officially have a new love. This is just a sampling of the reasons why. . .

(sigh)

slip inside the eye of your mind

I just had one of those moments where you buy the whole damn album just for one song. Considering I've wanted this song for months is a good excuse though. Music has kind of turned into mini therapy for me lately. I guess it always has been but over the years I haven't spent much time soaking it up while doing nothing else. I just emerged from a few hours of laying in the dark listening to a random iPod I somehow inherited. It was blissful.

There's a lot of change happening. A lot of completion of the past, which always tugs at the heart strings. I'm slowly learning how important it is to release that which no longer supports where I'm going. The strange thing is, on a personal level, I think much of this unfolding is a return to my roots more than it is anything new. For example, my sister and I are taking volleyball lessons for the next few weeks. Its mostly so she can try out for a team but since it was always one of the few sports I loved, I'm along for the ride. We started last night and it was a lot of fun. My forearm is a bit scary now but hey, I suppose a little pain might accompany anything worth doing. I'm also thinking of learning to play the piano again. Its now or never since I happen to have a piano upstairs, and a grandma who has mastered it. I've always known that being able to really play freely would be amazingly fulfilling for me. And as far as photography goes, I couldn't be less inspired. But I think the answer to that might be good old film. We'll see. . .

Here's a few songs I'm obsessed with the past week. I don't know what it is about them, but I can't get enough.

(he doesn't start the song until 2:25 on the clock)

(this video is no fun but its the best recording!)

(and for old time's sake. . .)

"There is no greater exploration than the one that is right inside you." -Suzanne Wagner

On Friday afternoon I indulged my faith and curiosity by going to see Suzanne Wagner. To say it shifted my consciousness is an understatement. Words can't really do it justice, but I'll give it a shot.

In the past, I've tended to beat myself up for where I've been, where I am, and where I'm not, as if these 25 years is all there will ever be. But now I can clearly see how unquantifiable it all is. There's so much that makes up a life.
And in this case, its a beautiful one.
My cynicism even seems to have melted away because when I close my eyes, my experience is that of the joy and love to come.
And its exquisitely thick.
There is bliss in all forms: MY soulmate (yes, I used that word), unbounded freedom and self-expression, peace and joy for my family, a career that inspires me, travel travel travel, adventure, art, culture.
Did I mention love? L-O-V-E! Marriage, kids, the whole package. I never thought I'd be saying this. Let alone putting it out there for other people to read (which is like, three people, but still. . .hi guys!).

The really great part, is that now I see how my whole life I've tried to fit into the little box certain people tried to keep me in. . .tried so hard to conform and "be good." So my experience of myself up until this point has been colored by a view that was never mind to begin with.
Today, its limitless and THAT feels amazing.
I'm gonna rock my world : )

its the unraveling

For you, love.

It can't be midnight right now
in this time warped world
and these rain soaked streets
whose puddles mirror my memories back at me
with each turn of the wheel
and shift of the clutch.

the first time you took my hand
a thousand things aligned at once.
rain soaked streets,
clear, crisp air,
winter parting in all its glory.
then spring opened its small petals
as if it had been waiting for us to bloom.

If i would have known
like i do now,
I would have been more gentle with the fleeting past.

I think I'll learn to play the piano
or build castles in the sand.
cause there's so much we didn't do, love.
but you showed me winter
and and my loving
like no one ever could.

but, this city on pause is my playground
and self-expression seeps from every note i hear.
come on and break the door down,
I'm ready
I'm ready

Dear January,

I'm finally ready to blog again. Mostly because I have some math homework to do and this is a good excuse to procrastinate.

No but really, 2009 is going to be a big year. I only made one resolution this year:

*{practice being intentional}*

This includes a sweet little Jill Bliss (one of my most favorite artists ever) journal and daily musing on what I'm grateful for, what I accomplished and of course, what my intention is. I think so far its working. I've been crazy about using my planner and staying in a love/hate cycle of productivity.

I'm also wanting to embark on my own 365 photo project. It sounds so daunting and yet, being able to look back over an entire year of myself could be quite insightful. More information about the project here and here! I started yesterday sort of. . .

What else?

I saw Paul Oakenfold for the first time the other night, which aside from being the most fun I've possibly ever had, it was also really eye opening. It turns out, I've had only a fraction of the fun a human is alloted in their first 30 years on the planet. So another intention for 2009 is: dance until I can't walk, as often as possible. And if any of you are in the mood for a really great mix, courtesy of a really great artist and friend of mine, click HERE!

whales and a kazoo

Umm, hello. Whale wallpaper?! I wish I could replace my current pink puff ball wallpaper with this from Walnut Wallpaper. . .

My friend recently gave me a bunch of his dad's old mix tapes, which included an old favorite, Clapton Unplugged. Maybe its because I love San Francisco so darn much, or maybe its just cause listing to a cassette tape is an entirely different experience, but this song has brought me much joy and car dancing the past few days. Enjoy : )

they painted up your secrets

Here I sit, in my Christmas thermal, my space in disarray and I have no idea how to get organized all over again. I do know I'm up to the challenge though. I just wish I could find my surge protector. . .man, if they made those for life we'd all be in good shape.

But seriously, I'm sorting out my whole life all over again and I feel like I'm in the same place I was exactly a year ago. It seems like 2008 didn't even happen. It must have been a dream. The only remarkable difference was that last January I went to SF and this January I'll be in Long Beach. Oh California. . .